9:07—Sit down to read mail, blogs and other daily sites.

9:08—Tell cat to ‘bugger off’.

9:09—Stop cat from gnawing through power cable on computer [I’m sorely tempted to just let her gnaw, but I don’t have a spare…]

9:10—Jump into air as cat scrambles up my shins to reach lap, adding to already numerous long-red slash-marks on my lower limbs.

9:12—Use Google to find fascinating article about ‘removing claws from cats’. Without anesthetic. Read article out loud. The whole process sounds horrible. Look at cat, and smile in manner I hope is menacing.

9:14—Cat pretends to be deaf.

9:16—Jump into air as cat scrambles up my shins to reach lap. Again.

9:17—Throw cat on sofa.

9:19—Cat tries to catch her tail.

9:20—Cat tries to autopsy cushions on sofa.

9:21—Cat slides off sofa to floor.

9:22—Cat licks paws and pretends that it is perfectly in order of things to fall off sofa. Backwards. Walks away with tail in air.

9:23—Savagely attacks small ball with a bell in, that rings in an infuriating manner with each swipe.

9:24—Dingly ball hides under small table near all power and modem cables.

9:25—Cat engages in negotiations for surrender of ball, or at least to get it to come out into open and talk things over in a meaningful way.

9:26—Cat attacks another ball. This one is small and red, and doesn’t ring. She is creating a diversion to distract the dingly one.

9:27—Cat darts under small table in search of dingly ball. Pulls on power cords and modem cables.

9:28—Shout at cat.

9:29—Hiss at cat.

9:30—Swear at cat.

9:31—Look for something soft to throw at cat.

9:32—Look for something hard and extremely heavy to throw at cat.

9:33—Get up and put cat on sofa.

9:54—Do a last-minute read on today’s entry in music blog. Correct a mistake. Add a comma. Look around nervously as I haven’t heard the cat in about 10 minutes.

9:55—Rejoice inwardly and think that this spending-the-day-at-home-with-the-cat thing isn’t too bad after all.

9:58—Publish today’s entry on my music blog. Look up, and go for a coffee.

10:02—Flat seems remarkably quiet without cat scratching, biting at feet, jumping on table, pulling on wires. Start becoming suspicious.

10:04—Go to bathroom to prepare a wash for Kim’s things, find cat asleep in dirty linen basket.

10:06—Sort Kim’s clothes. Cat climbs into washing machine.

10:07—Remove cat from washing machine.

10:08—Remove cat from washing machine.

10:09—Remove cat from washing machine.

10:10—Remove cat from bathroom.

10:14—Start the washing programme. Look around for cat.

10:18—Find cat in the kitchen at the back of shelves.

10:20—Try to go to toilet. Without cat.

10:21—Put cat out of toilet again.

10:23 —Block the door to toilet with my foot, than I gradually slip the foot beyond the threshold, pushing cat, all the while slowly closing the door. Pull back foot at last minute, cat falls over. I pull foot back quickly, and shut the door before cat picks itself up.

10:24—Watch cat paw appearing under the toilet door.

10:25—Listen to the sound of cat scratching at the toilet door.

10:26—Flush toilet. Put down cover to stop cat from falling in the bowl, even though the toilet door is supposed to stay shut at all times. Gingerly open said door to avoid flattening cat hiding behind it.

10:27—See that there is no cat behind the toilet door. Don’t know whether i’m reassured or not.

10:28—Wash hands.

10:29—Because of wet soapy hands, try to use elbows to block cat and prevent it falling into wash basin.

10:30—Wonder why I’m bothering and invite cat to drown herself.

10:31—Cat jumps down to floor and sinks her claws in my shins as soon as I turn my back on her.

10:32—Dance a jig while rinsing hands to dissuade cat from approaching.

10:33—Reply to Ludivine’s mail to say ‘no news’. Suggest that she should start worrying about cat who will probably end up in the cupboard for the day if she goes on as she has been.

10:48—Cat pulls ADSL modem down on herself. Cat darts across floor in blind shock. Neither modem nor cat are damaged. Mores the shame for the latter.

10:50—Take cat in arms in an attempt to calm it down [and vary the places where it is scratching me].

10:51—After wandering around my shoulders the cat settles down in the crook of my arms with nose embedded in my armpit.

10:53—Cat purrs.

10:54—Purring gets louder, sort of like a cement mixer about 2 feet from your ears. Wonder about the size of cat. And new species of mutant amplified cats.

10:56—Cat farts.

10:56—Throw cat over onto sofa. Open window to air the room.

11:10—Ludivine replies that if attacks become too much I should put myself in cupboard. Doing so to cat constitutes cruelty to poor defenseless animals.

11:11—Explain the rules to cat. Say that this is purely a volunteer situation, but that the first person to say ‘mioaw’ spends the day in the cupboard.

11:12—Cat looks at me in beguiling manner. Attempts to pat my nose.

11:13—Explain the situation to cat again. Asking if it understands. Cat just looks at me.

11:14—Outwitted by cat when I make a ‘mioaw’ sound to explain what is expected of her.

11:15—Cat escorts me to cupboard.

11:16—Confirm that wi-fi connection works in cupboard, even if space is a little cramped.

11:17—Get a bit of work done.

12:14—Feel hungry.

12:15—Open fridge to get items for lunch. Cat climbs into fridge.

12:16—Entertain delicious thoughts about shutting the door and accidentally forgetting cat for… 15 minutes…

12:17—Shoo cat out of fridge.

12:18—Push cat off table.

12:19—Push cat off table.

12:20—Push cat off table.

12:21—When clawing gets too painful, push cat off lap.

12:22—Cat looks at me from stool with a stare that attempts to be pityful.

12:23—Push cat off table.

12:24—Push cat off table.

12:25—Try to avoid pouring ‘vla’ on cat. Inform cat that cats don’t eat ‘vla’, and that mioawing is no good.

12:26—Push cat off table.

12:27—Push cat off table.

12:30—Cat walks in feeding bowl.

12:32—Cat jumps up on table.

12:33—Wipe trail of cat food from the table.

12:35—Cat whines. This is not mioawing, this is the sort of noise the rat would make in a bad film for kids if the rat were really really evil. That sort of whine.

12:36—Cat flees away down corridor.

The afternonon ressembled the morning. Except the scratches were in different places…